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Being a dyslexic parent (Except from 'Dyslexia and Depression: The Hidden Sorrow)
Table 38 investigated the parental experiences of dyslexics in this study. From the study 62% of participants had dyslexic children. Of the 62%, more were males to females (64% to 50%), more were depressives to non-depressives (59% to 43% and more were degree educated to non-degree educated depressives (64% to 55%). Overall the gender breakdowns were the same for the depressives, but more males to females with the non-depressives (75% to 0%). Overall from those with dyslexic parents, 50% were frustrated by their parenting experiences with the school, with more males than females being frustrated (86% to 67%), more non-depressives to depressives (100% to 27%) and more degree-educated to non-degree educated depressives (57% to 18%). With the gender breakdown, more depressive females were frustrated than males (67% to 0%) and more non-depressive males to females (67% to 0%). Overall the experience with schools is frustrating, especially with non-depressed males and depressed degree educated females. Table 38 investigated if the education experience was better, the same or worse than their own dyslexic childhood experiences, overall the majority found that schools had not improved (56%), were worse than their own experiences (25%) and in a small number of cases better than their own experience (19%). Of the 56% who thought the experience had not improved, more males to females thought this (71% to 44%), more non-depressives to depressives (100% to 27%) and more degree-educated to non-degree educated depressives (71% to 9%). Similar frequencies were found between depressive males and females (50% to 44%) however a greater frequency was found amongst non-depressive males to females (100% to 0%). The interview evidence is very emotive and suggests a high level of frustration and anger towards teachers who they feel should know better. The are astounded that education has not developed from the time that they were at school and that their children are experiencing the same pain and suffering that they endured. In the case of Malcolm he gets so worked up talking to teachers that he begins to cry from the frustration he experiences. They experience belittling by teachers (see Emma) however they began to re-educate themselves about dyslexia, so that they could counter negative teaching and perceptions by teachers and school staff. George even had to help set-up a national charity to help others like himself before the school would listen to what he was saying. Dyslexic parents with dyslexic children find that going back into schools for their own children is hard and that their own experiences do affect their parent/teacher relationship and can get in the way of progressing with their children. Natasha has immense anger towards the whole educational authority concerning the emotional damage they have done to her children. She has trained as a special needs teacher to help her own and other children and even from within the educational system she finds hostility and ignorance by people she feels should know better. Interestingly, both Andrea and Karen found that their children did not want to be singled out by dyslexia and that they would prefer their mothers to be less proactive and allow them to be as normal as their peers. Overall the experience is negative and suggests that much still needs to be done to re-educate teachers into firstly recognising dyslexia in their students and secondly knowing how best to support them. Malcolm is an interesting case. He questions whether he wanted dyslexic children, in case they suffered as he did in schools and in the workplace. Whilst he might have said in jest that he was looking for a non-dyslexic wife to dilute his so called ‘bad genes’ it does beg the question about bringing into this world a disabled child and if given the choice would you choose not to, or to use gene therapy. The author has thought hard and long about this issue himself. As a dyslexic and the parent of four children (5yrs, 5yrs, 8yrs, 8yrs) who at present exhibit no signs of dyslexia and who can read and write. He went into dyslexia research for the sole aim to be more prepared than his own parents were in dealing with his dyslexia. It poses a dilemma as firstly he is happy that they are not experiencing problems at school, are getting those A and B grades that he never reached and are getting 9 and 10 out of 10 for spelling tests whereas he only managed to get 5 out of 10 on a good day. Secondly he feels that whilst they look like him they are not like him, as they are not dyslexic and are unable to share that special or warped understanding of being an outsider in this strange world. Is it better to have children with that special understanding of your own suffering or is it better that they are not dyslexic and Empirical evidence suggests a dyslexic child is a dyslexic adult’s worst nightmare, as it can allow their own childhood horrors to resurface again. A dyslexic parent watching their own child struggle with schoolwork is a poignant experience which can put into context their own lost opportunities. Many dyslexic parents also gain their own diagnosis as a by-product of their children getting diagnosed, thus indicating that modern schools are showing signs of improvement, however as noted in this study such improvement is piecemeal and not consistent around the UK. Scott (2004) notes that dyslexic parents can be both impressive and alarming, but powerful advocates for their dyslexic children, determined that the education of their child does not mirror their own negative experiences. When the dyslexic parent sees their child suffer at the hands of bullies and teachers due to their dyslexia, they can develop guilt for being the one to give their child such difficulties. They can however be a good role model or mentor to their dyslexic child, to show them that having a learning disability does not mean they are unable to work, get married and survive in the world. Thus the dyslexic parent is both a hindrance but also an asset. Scott (2004) notes that unrecognised and diagnosed dyslexic parents can find that the horrors and trauma of their own childhood and resulting anger/teacher resentment can resurface when facing their child’s teachers, especially when they feel their child’s difficulties are being ignored (see the chapter of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and such parents need to be careful as their educational helplessness can affect their children and their child’s perception of school. Such helplessness can include the attitude to homework or towards teachers and authority in general (Congdon, 1995). Such resurfacing of childhood school-related traumas can lead adult dyslexics to learned helplessness, depression, self-blame and self-harm (Scott, 2004). Homework can raise several problems for the undiagnosed dyslexic, and avoidance of reading to their child comes top of such a list. They will pretend to read a story but will interpret the pictures instead. They will also be hopeless in checking homework and assisting in spelling tests. Much of the time they are covering up their own inabilities and insecurities to do with reading and writing and this can be seen in their interactions at work as well. Non-dyslexic spouses or partners can be surprised at home as when their usually well-adjusted dyslexic partner can shy away from helping their child with even very basic homework. Dyslexic mothers are especially challenged by having dyslexic children. As they are the main carer, the main liaison with the school and the main parent in charge of homework. To a greater extent than non-dyslexic mothers of school children, the dyslexic mother suffers logistic nightmares as their short-term memory and disorganisation problems are stretched to the limit and beyond. They must be in charge of dropping off and picking up their child on time, dealing with uniforms, packing school bags, making sure homework is done on time and put in school bags on the right date, making sure sports kits are sent on correct days, remember their child’s teachers name and organise play dates for their child, along with The dyslexic parent is not only dealing with their own dyslexic deficits, but their child’s as well. In many cases the dyslexic parent can get over-protective of their dyslexic child to the detriment of their relationship with their spouse/partner or their non-dyslexic children. Whilst it can be understandable to protect their suffering dyslexic child due in part to their own insecurities, it can isolate them and the dyslexic child, whilst making the dyslexic child believe that they are abnormal. Thus as Scott (2004) suggests, the more you isolate the more you push the family away, however the more you try and treat the dyslexic child as normal and an equal member of the family, the better chance the dyslexic will have to believe they are normal with the inconvenience of dyslexia.
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